**爱在无语时**
Inthedoorwayofmyhome,Ilookedcloselyatthefaceofmy23-year-oldson,Daniel,hisbackpackbyhisside.Weweresayinggood-bye.InafewhourshewouldbeflyingtoFrance.Hewouldbestayingthereforatleastayeartolearnanotherlanguageandexperiencelifeinadifferentcountry.
ItwasatransitionaltimeinDaniel‘slife,apassage,astepfromcollegeintotheadultworld.Iwantedtoleavehimsomewordsthatwouldhavesomemeaning,somesignificancebeyondthemoment.
Butnothingcamefrommylips.Nosoundbrokethestillnessofmybeachsidehome.Outside,IcouldheartheshrillcriesofseagullsastheycircledtheeverchangingsurfonLongIsland.Inside,Istoodfrozenandquiet,lookingintothesearchingeyesofmyson.
WhatmadeitmoredifficultwasthatIknewthiswasnotthefirsttimeIhadletsuchamomentpass.WhenDanielwasfive,Itookhimtotheschool-busstoponhisfirstdayofkindergarten.Ifeltthetensioninhishandholdingmineasthebusturnedthecorner.Isawcolourflushhischeeksasthebuspulledup.Helookedatme-ashedidnow.
Whatisitgoingtobelike,Dad?CanIdoit?WillIbeokay?Andthenhewalkedupthestepsofthebusanddisappearedinside.Andthebusdroveaway.AndIhadsaidnothing.
Adecadeorsolater,asimilarsceneplayeditselfout.Withhismother,IdrovehimtoWilliamandMaryCollegeinVirginia.Hisfirstnight,hewentoutwithhisnewschoolmates,andwhenhemetusthenextmorning,hewassick.Hewascomingdownwithmononucleosis,butwecouldnotknowthatthen.Wethoughthehadahangover.
Inhisroom,DanlaystretchedoutonhisbedasIstartedtoleaveforthetriphome.Itriedtothinkofsomethingtosaytogivehimcourageandconfidenceashestartedthisnewphaseoflife.
Again,wordsfailedme.Imumbledsomethinglike,"HopeyoufeelbetterDan."AndIleft.!(http://www.enread.com/upimg/allimg/20070719/0920140.jpg)
Now,asIstoodbeforehim,Ithoughtofthoselostopportunities.Howmanytimeshaveweallletsuchmomentspass?Aboygraduatesfromschool,adaughtergetsmarried.Wegothroughthemotionsoftheceremony,butwedon‘tseekoutourchildrenandfindaquietmomenttotellthemwhattheyhavemeanttous.Orwhattheymightexpecttofaceintheyearsahead.
Howfasttheyearshadpassed.DanielwasborninNewOrleans,LA.,in1962,slowtowalkandtalk,andsmallofstature.Hewasthetiniestinhisclass,buthedevelopedawarm,outgoingnatureandwaspopularwithhispeers.Hewascoordinatedand6)agile,andhebecameadeptinsports.
Baseballgavehimhisearliestchallenge.HewasanoutstandingpitcherinLittleLeague,andeventually,asaseniorinhighschool,madethevarsity,winninghalftheteam‘sgameswitharecordoffivewinsandtwolosses.Atgraduation,thecoachnamedDanieltheteam‘smostvaluableplayer.
Hisfinesthour,though,cameataschoolsciencefair.Heenteredanexhibitshowinghowthecirculatorysystemworks.Itwasprimitiveandcrude,especiallycomparedtothefancy,computerized,blinking-lightmodelsenteredbyotherstudents.Mywife,Sara,feltembarrassedforhim.
Itturnedoutthattheotherkidshadnotdonetheirownwork-theirparentshadmadetheirexhibits.Asthejudgeswentontheirrounds,theyfoundthattheseotherkidscouldn‘tanswertheirquestions.Danielansweredeveryone.WhenthejudgesawardedtheAlbertEinsteinPlaqueforthebestexhibit,theygaveittohim.
BythetimeDanielleftforcollegehestoodsixfeettallandweighed170pounds.Hewasmuscularandinsuperbcondition,butheneverpitchedanotherinning,havinggivenupbaseballforEnglishliterature.Iwassorrythathewouldnotdevelophisathletictalent,butproudthathehadmadesuchamaturedecision.
OnedayItoldDanielthatthegreatfailinginmylifehadbeenthatIdidn‘ttakeayearortwoofftotravelwhenIfinishedcollege.Thisisthebestway,tomywayofthinking,tobroadenoneselfanddevelopalargerperspectiveonlife.OnceIhadmarriedandbegunworking,Ifoundthatthedreamoflivinginanotherculturehadvanished.
Danielthoughtaboutthis.Hisfriendssaidthathewouldbeinsanetoputhiscareeronhold.Buthedecideditwasn‘tsocrazy.Aftergraduation,heworkedasawaiteratcollege,abikemessengerandahousepainter.Withthemoneyheearned,hehadenoughtogotoParis.
Thenightbeforehewastoleave,Itossedinbed.Iwastryingtofigureoutsomethingtosay.Nothingcametomind.Maybe,Ithought,itwasn‘tnecessarytosayanything.
Whatdoesitmatterinthecourseofalife-timeifafathernevertellsasonwhathereallythinksofhim?ButasIstoodbeforeDaniel,Iknewthatitdoesmatter.MyfatherandIlovedeachother.Yet,Ialwaysregrettedneverhearinghimputhisfeelingsintowordsandneverhavingthememoryofthatmoment.Now,Icouldfeelmypalmssweatandmythroattighten.Whyisitsohardtotellasonsomethingfromtheheart?Mymouthturneddry,andIknewIwouldbeabletogetoutonlyafewwordsclearly.
“Daniel,"Isaid,"ifIcouldhavepicked,Iwouldhavepickedyou."
That‘sallIcouldsay.Iwasn‘tsureheunderstoodwhatImeant.Thenhecametowardmeandthrewhisarmsaroundme.Foramoment,theworldandallitspeoplevanished,andtherewasjustDanielandmeinourhomebythesea.
Hewassayingsomething,butmyeyesmistedover,andIcouldn‘tunderstandwhathewassaying.AllIwasawareofwasthestubbleonhischinashisfacepressedagainstmine.Andthen,themomentended.Iwenttowork,andDanielleftafewhourslaterwithhisgirlfriend.
Thatwassevenweeksago,andIthinkabouthimwhenIwalkalongthebeachonweekends.Thousandsofmilesaway,somewhereoutpasttheoceanwavesbreakingonthedesertedshore,hemightbescurryingacrossBoulevardSaintGermain,strollingthroughamustyhallwayoftheLouvre,bendinganelbowinaLeftBankcafé.
WhatIhadsaidtoDanielwasclumsyandtrite.Itwasnothing.Andyet,itwaseverything.